Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

☠️ ☠️

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

“what’s it like having a sister?”

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

Getting married soon just need a spouse

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.