Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
real
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged