Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella