Leftovers are for quitters!
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I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Passwords are more important than ever.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.