Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

japanese corn

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it