Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.