Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

Hard not to take this personally

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

(True)

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Sorry. Not sorry

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,