Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
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Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]