Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.