Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
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Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
my proudest tweet
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.