Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
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I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I unironically love this joke.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
At least he brought enough for everyone
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.