Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

the council will decide your fate

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.