Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

☠️ ☠️

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like