Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
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Name another movie that mislead you?
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
HR said no more nunchucks.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Mad Max Arctic Road
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.