Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

When I sing in the shower the water turns cold

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.