Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

Me when my alarm goes off

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.