Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

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When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

boys are so easy to impress

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.