Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
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[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”