Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
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[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
When you’ve simply given up.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom: