Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
You Might Also Like
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
My inexpensive home security system…
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
seems like a niche market
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.