Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
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Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no