Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
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North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
this site is so cooked lol
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers