LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
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I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
It’s that simple 👊🏻
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.