legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
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someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
6. me as a lawyer
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Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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Spa day..😅
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
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4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave