legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
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Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver