legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
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So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520