Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.