Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
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It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
When I said I liked it rough.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?