Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
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Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Breaking news:
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.