Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

The cake is mightier than the sword.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

don’t message me unless you have this energy