Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.