Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
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‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
A small tragedy.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
5 ways to appear taller
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
