Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
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Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I am yelling
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.