Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

same bro

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun