Legend 🤣🤣
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Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
The honesty is refreshing
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Genius.
Unimpressed
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.