Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

Good advice.

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

❤️❤️❤️

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development