Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

How it started How it’s going

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.