Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
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I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”