Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
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me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
wtf is a larm clock?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm