Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

Don’t dress for the job you have. Dress for the job your successful identical twin has and see how long you can get away with it.

British websites use biscuits.

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it