Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
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I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
