Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
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“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
it be like that
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
the icebreaker
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
