Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*