Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
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“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
As a doctor, I can confirm
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house