Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.