Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

People buying plungers never look happy.

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

This is what makes twitter great

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.