Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
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For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah