Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

[on my way back to the posting caves]

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

Okay

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic