Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

saving face 👀

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.