Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

How do you constantly lose your lighter even tho you’re the only one in the house?

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him