Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

White Castle for the Win

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

God has abandoned us.

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

Heroic Misunderstanding

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron