Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
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I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls