Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
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Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
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Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
This sounds bad:
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