Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
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I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.