Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
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Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”