Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
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Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.