Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

Milk Cube

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.