Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

time machine? you mean a clock?

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.