Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

Saturday

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore