legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
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ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
August 8
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
The sacred texts.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely