legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
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They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Brother?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!