legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
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[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids