Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
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I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?