Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

I’m already scared

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground