Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

this is literally a CIA plant

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.