Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
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Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.