@StarWarsProblms

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

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@SortaBad

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

@weinerdog4life

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

@Squeeb_Slayer

Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper “I’d never do that to you”

@BoogTweets

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

@EmissaryKerry

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

@TitaniumToplass

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

@vrunt

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

@Jamie1947

Damn girl, are you my cable remote? Because you are weirdly designed and very confusing, and does this row of buttons even do anything?