Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
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Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Catercrombie & Fish
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Trying
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do