Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

[at a chemistry convention]

Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”

Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

Harsh but fair

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco