Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser