Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
You Might Also Like
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I love the honesty
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit