Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

meow

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun