Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

Oh yeah that’s it

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

😭😭😭

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

Proctologist = Analyst

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*